The end of one journey and the begining of another...

It's hard to think of a way to start writing about the final stage of my journey. I think it's because it didn't just start on the night that I gave birth, it's been a journey that I've been on since before my first birth over 3 years ago. What I am positive of though is that if this were the end of my birthing 'career' it would have ended on the perfect note. Having my baby at home was the perfect choice and it was an experience that surpassed even my dreams.

Laying on the lounge with Harry at 7pm on Tuesday night I was waiting for Kris to come home so that I could put dinner in the oven. I had decided that day that I wasn't going to concentrate on the contractions that I'd been having off and on for weeks now because I had convinced myself that I wouldn't be going into true labour anytime soon. As I was laying there I felt a funny kick in the side of my belly and my thoughts turned to my cousin Karen who had birthed her baby just days earlier. I thought of her because she had told me of her waters breaking and how she had two big kicks, the first of which made her think that if she had another like that that her waters would break and the second of which did indeed break her waters. Funnily enough even though my thoughts turned to Karen I didn't think at that stage that my waters had broken... the thought didn't enter my mind until I got up.

I then decided to get up and put dinner into the oven to heat before Kris arrived. As I stood I felt a trickle of water and thought I should go to the bathroom to check it out. At this stage part of me knew my waters had broken and yet part of me didn't want to think it in case it turned out to be nothing.

After a few minutes it became very obvious that it was indeed my waters and that my baby was on its way.

Over the next 5 mins I quickly moved around the house getting everything I could ready. The boys were sat down to dinner, I prepared their pyjamas, I pulled the drop sheet out and turned the pool over ready to be filled. I also then decided to empty out my birthing box so that everything was placed on a shelf for easy access and then I picked up the phone to call Myra to let her know what was happening.

Just as I dialed Kris walked in the door and I gestured that my waters had broken and that I was calling Myra. At this stage I couldn't get through to her so we then called Greta and Moppy so they could get themselves organised to come over, the next few minutes was spent by myself, Greta and Moppy all on the phone together trying to come up with a way to contact Myra. In the end she was contacted through the grape vine and gave me a call to find out how I was. It was around 7:30pm at this stage and I was having contractions but nothing I couldn't easily move and talk through. Myra said that she would get dressed and make her way over.

At this stage I thought I would check to see how my waters were going and it was then that I noticed that they were green tinged. Now having had Sam born with meconium in his waters I knew what the green tinge meant. I can remember early on in my pregnancy thinking that I might want to transfer if I was faced with meconium stained waters again... I don't even think the thought entered my mind on the night. I did however decide that I would like Myra to come sooner rather than later as I wanted to check that the baby wasn't in distress at all. At this stage the contractions were increasing in intensity and I was having the breathe and chant through them.

In order to keep my focus and to get the baby moving down I made a track around the house that I would walk through over and over again while chomping on ice, stamping my feet, clapping my hands and chanting to myself. With every contraction I felt a sense of pride that I was doing this and that I was coping, and that at this stage I was coping well and feeling positive. I took on every contraction with a sense of power and the thought that the pain couldn't be bigger than me unless I allowed it to be.

Around 8pm I started to feel a change within myself and decided that I now wanted to labour sitting down so I made my way over to the lounge. I now needed to really focus through the contractions so I closed my eyes and continued with my chanting and focused on the baby moving down. It was around this time that Myra arrived, she came into the room as quietly as she could and I remember thinking how amazing it was that she was thinking of what I needed from the moment she stepped in the front door. It was at this time that I had one of my longest contractions and yet I was still completely calm and in control.

Myra sat down and checked the baby's heart rate which was fine. She sat quietly with me and if she needed to ask questions she would ask them after contractions, she spoke with me quietly and from the very start I felt supported. I felt like she was there for me, allowing me to do what I needed when I needed and that was empowering.



It was around this time that Greta and Moppy arrived and again the intensity of my contractions changed. I could feel them getting stronger and I asked Myra if there was anything I needed to do before hoping in the pool, she told me that if that's what I needed to do then that's what I needed to do, I agreed and mentioned that I was starting to feel nauseous and she said that it was definitely time to move to the pool then.

I got up off the lounge and quickly moved over to the pool where I was sick. Transition had begun.

It was now that the contractions really took hold of my body and I really struggled to remain focused. It was also now that the typical transition comments began... I can't do this, I've had enough now, I just want it to stop. By now it would have been around 9pm, I had been labouring for 2 hours and was starting to want to push the pain of each contraction away but was unsure of whether I was truly at that stage already. Myra encouraged me to see if I could feel the babies head but I really wasn't sure about what I was or wasn't feeling so I asked her to check for me, I was 8cm. I wanted to try to go with my body by starting to push and asked if that would be ok, Myra said that I should do what I feel is right and so I began to push.

Pushing was such a different experience for me this time. I was able to really feel him coming down and because I could move so freely within the water I was able to use my own hand to help guide him out. I remember thinking as his head was fully down and pushing on my perineum that they was no way he was going to be able to come out as his head just felt so large under my skin, yet within two or three pushes his head did come out, followed by his body another one to two pushes later.

Kris was there to catch him and bring him up to the surface, which was something that was easier in theory than in practise as he was covered in vernix. He was placed into my arms and I was immediately in awe of his being. To me he was just so little and so very perfect.

We checked to see that he was still in fact a he and then we laughed and smiled and took all of him in. This was a time that I will remember always as it was just as I wanted it to be. Myra sat back and watched over him as a midwife and as a family member and celebrated the birth with us. When the cord was ready we cut it and Kris had a hold of his son. I remained in the pool to rest and wait for the placenta.



Calls were made, messages were sent, cuddles were had. I felt so very relaxed and happy. It was at this stage that Myra felt that the baby might need a little help to settle his breathing after probably swallowing some water so she got the oxygen out and he responded well. We checked his weight during this time and he came in at 11lb 3.5oz or 5.09kgs. I was shocked as to me he looked tiny and I was sure he was going to be a similar size to Sam... obviously I was quite wrong.

After 40mins of waiting for the placenta I asked for the process to be sped up as I was feeling the need to move on from the after birth pains. Myra was able to give me the injection and with the next contraction I birthed the placenta, another 10 mins later I got out of the bath and headed for the shower. After a shower I settled down on the lounge to give my baby his first feed. It was also now that he was named Oscar Connor.

We all then sat together in the lounge room and began to reminisce about everything that had just happened. It seemed so surreal that he was here and that we were at home. It felt like we'd just had family over for the night and that we were all sitting around chatting... it was just how I'd hoped it would be. Life just continued...

I feel so very blessed to have experienced the birth that I wanted and that I planned for. I had the most perfect birthing team around me and I will always be thankful for that. It truly was perfect in every way and if I'm honest it's not really something I can describe in words because it was all just in the moment. It was life and it was normal and it was amazing all in one.

Not long to go now...

In so many ways this pregnancy has been such a huge journey and yet it's one I sometimes forget I'm even on. For a while there I was really seeing the pregnancy as separate from having my baby because to me the idea of labour was breaking them in two.

It's really quite hard to explain just what I mean.

I think sometimes I became so engulfed in what it was like to birth last time that I didn't allowed myself to let this journey stand on it's own. I don't want to let the fear and pain overtake me and I've realised that I was, in some ways, heading in that direction. I really need to take the time to step back and just allow myself to experience this birth as what it is going to be.

I've had many a shocked response to my choice of home birth and not one of them has made me think that maybe I'm not doing the right thing. Throughout my uncertainty, throughout my fears of birth as a whole I haven't wavered in my choice to stay at home... if anything knowing that home is where I will be when everything is over is what's kept me positive.

How amazing it will be to just continue living... to enjoy being together with my family.

The support I have felt throughout my pregnancy has been immense, especially when it comes to my midwife. To know that she is only a phone call away and that she'll drop around if I need her has been invaluable. Her experience and nature is such a perfect match for me and I just feel so comfortable knowing that she will be here to assist and support me for the rest of this journey... and beyond. I often hear or read about the 'high' costs of having an independent midwife and while I'm lucky enough to have one as a part of my family I would have no hesitation in paying if I needed to, mine has simply been worth her weight in gold. I feel very lucky and grateful to have the resource I do on hand.

36 weeks...

And so the countdown really begins.

So much excitement and yet so much nervousness. I can't wait to see what this little one looks like. Will he be big and chubby like Harry?? Or small and thin like Sam?? Dark hair?? Maybe some curls this time?? I just can't wait to see! And yet at the same time I can wait... I can wait for the pain and I can wait for the intensity. Why something so amazing has to be such hard work I don't know... or is it just that I want to believe that I don't know when really I do... I guess to work so hard for something does bring with it a sense of being extra special and a uniqueness. I know it's worth it... more than anything it's worth it. I have proof of that times two, but that doesn't always make it any easier.

It's interesting to me because while I wish so much that the pain of child birth didn't exist, I have no desire to actually make it go away in the sense that going to the hospital and having an epi or similar just doesn't even enter my head as something I would want to do. My 'commitment' to homebirth isn't questioned by my fear of the pain... if anything it's what gets me through. To know that once my baby is here I will be at home with my family where I can sleep in my bed and eat my own food is such a fantastic feeling. I'll be able to get up in the morning the next day and just get on with living... there's something so refreshing about that.

We spent last weekend gathering up the bits and pieces we need for the birth and while I'm sure there are things missing I'm starting to feel a little more prepared. The birth pool is either on it's way or is the reason for the postal notice left on my doorstep this morning. I can't wait to get that blown up and ready to go, I'll feel much more organised when that happens.

Overall the 36th week is bringing with it every emotion under the sun. The end is in sight and while it sometimes scares me, it also holds many dreams for the future and for that I honestly cannot wait!

When it becomes real...

Over the past few weeks now I've been experiencing the classic 'I'm going to have a baby' moments. I'll be laying in bed and all of a sudden it dawns on me that I will actually have another child soon and that they will have legs. I really don't know why my epithanies seem to only include this little boys legs but that's my thought process each and every time.

As it gets closer I'm reminded more and more of the pain involved in bringing a new child into the world and I must admit at times I find it overwhelming. I quite quickly go back to Sam's birth in my mind, with all the pain and confusion, and I then have to take a few minutes out at these times to calm myself and invision the bigger picture.

I know it's worth it, I know I'll get through it and I know I'll be fine but sometimes it does surprise me with how intense I remember it to be.

At this stage I've really just been plodding along. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the worlds most boring client for Myra. I've had two 'meetings' with her and one of those was just a chat. I have no real desire to hear the baby's heart beat or see it on ultrasound and that's not because I'm not excited or bonding with the baby, it's simply because I just know that everything is fine and I don't need for something to confirm that for me. I'm really enjoying just being left to grow this little man safe in the knowledge that my body is doing what it's meant to and that he'll be here when he's ready. I think it's because of this that I haven't even begun to organise for his birth yet. I mean I have me and him obviously but I haven't organised my birthing pool and I know that I have to call sometime about hiring the required oxygen as a stand by yet I put both of them to the back of my mind intending to get to them later. With 15 weeks left I wonder how much later I'm going to leave it.

The verdict is in...

Mummy was right all along and the little man is in fact a little man! I had my 19 week ultrasound last Thursday at 19 weeks and 1 day, everything is looking great. One healthy little (although slightly ahead in size) man to be born sometime in Sept/Oct. Such exciting news!!!

He looked so much like Harry and Sam did during their u/s it'll be interesting to see who he comes out looking like.

I had another medical 'run in', I guess you could call it that. The sonographer was extremely surprised that I hadn't had the NT scan and asked me if I had an OBs, to which I of course replied no, it didn't take a rocket scientist to work out that this wouldn't be her preferred route to take.

Why must they make their negative opinions so obvious?? Is everyone so alike in today's society that there's no room for people to make different decisions??

She asked me later on what hospital I would be going to for the birth and at this stage I just didn't want to deal with any more negativity so I just used the name of my backup hospital. This made her much more comfortable with me and she gained the ability to actually speak more than two words per sentence from that point on.

Sometimes I tend to think that it's my duty to bring awareness to HB and the safety and positivity that comes along with it and I find that on occasion this can be to my detriment. I open myself up a little too much to what people think of my choices and although I don't doubt my choices it does make me retreat within myself to a level.

I don't particularly want to have to explain or defend my reasoning behind the way I choose to birth every time it comes up in conversation. I don't want people to feel that they have to save me from my choices, my decision is mine and I'm comfortable with it. I've researched it, I know what the risks are, I know what the outcomes can be and I know that I would never enter into anything that would endanger my child's life.

Why do we put so much faith in the ability of others and so little in ourselves??

I knew there was a reason...

I didn't want to go to the GP this pregnancy. Even this morning as I was getting ready to go I wondered whether I would go in with the whole hog and get everything I needed done for my HB making it plainly obvious that's what I was having, or whether I'd just get my bloods done hoping to suss out the GP and see if I'd be happy discussing it all with him.

Probably should have gone with the second option although it probably is a good thing it's done now and I don't have to go back.

First of all he tried to work out which hospital was asking him for these requirements but either couldn't work it out, or did and didn't want to believe it,

Dr- 'Oh so where's this midwife from'
Me- 'She's an independant midwife'
Dr- long pause while looking at the letter as if it's going to give him an appropriate thing to say next, 'So for a home, I mean, home... birth??'
Me- 'Yes that's right'
Dr- Deep breath in and looks at his computer screen and from here on in talks to me with a tone in his voice that suggests I'm an idiot, 'So you need bloods done?'
Me- 'Yes'
Dr- 'And are you going to actually come in and get the results because otherwise I'm going to have all these pathology things for you laying around?'
Me- 'Yes, obviously I am because my midwife needs them'
Dr- Realising he stepped over a line, 'Yes... well it does look like she's got all the right things written down here' Well thank goodness he's on top of it all.
Me- 'Yes, she has been doing this for a very long time now'
Dr- 'Ok we'll you'll get a strep B urine smaple done now too'
Me- 'Will I?? So early in the pregnancy??' I've always had urine samples but didn't realise they were for this.
Dr- 'Well yes if you have strep B now you'll need penicillin during the labour'
Me- 'Right... that's interesting, all the research I've done suggests that you can have strep B one week and not the next which is why they test you later on in the pregnancy and with a swab test' Which I was getting a referral for now at the request of Myra anyway.
Dr- 'Well yes... if you have strep B now you'll need penicillin during the labour' Hmmm... didn't he just say that??
Dr- 'The babies can end up very sick'
Me- 'Yes I'm aware of that.' I tell myself just to leave it because he seems to want to find a scare tactic of some sort. 'Anyway I'll come back and see you on Friday to pick up my results'

15 mins and 7 vials of blood later I'm wondering just what it is he's testing for and maybe hoping to find as I've only ever had 3-4 taken.

The joy of it all.

Another beautiful baby enters the world...

Last night at 8:18pm the world was blessed with another gorgeous little baby boy. Jake is 8lbs and his Mummy Nicole (one of my bestfriends) had another long and hard labour.

Now if I remember correctly Jake's big sister Alyssa was much smaller at birth, from how I remember her in those early days she can't possibly have been any bigger than 6lb so it'll be interesting to see if Nicole was surprised at his size, just as I was when I went from having a 10lb 14oz Harry to a tiny 8lb 7oz Sam.

It really has me excited for the miracle of birth again. Nicole messaged me yesterday morning to say that she was in early labour and was working her way through it while Alyssa enjoyed a bit of HI-5. I get all these romantic notions of what early labour is like because to be honest I haven't experienced that yet. Both of my labours started with a bang and continued on until my boys were born. I guess it goes to show how different we all are.

I wish for Nicole and her beautiful new son all the happiness my boys have given me. Welcome to the world Jake.

Thoughts and feelings...

I've been feeling rather emotional lately. I'm generally on the verge of tears that can be either happy or sad, my emotions certainly show no discrimation. One minute I'll be so happy that I just burst into tears of happiness and then the next I become so overwhelmed that I break down in a heap of sadness/tiredness.

I realise it's my body's doing and I do embrace that... and if I'm honest it hasn't really left me from the time I was pregnant with Harry, but during pregnancy I do seem to feel things in a deeper way.

A friend of mine from a forum I frequent has this quote under a picture of her sons...

"Nothing you become will disappoint me; I have no preconception that I'd like to see you be or do. I have no desire to foresee you, only to discover you. You cannot disappoint me." - Mary Haskell

This really struck a cord with me and of course had me in tears. Becoming a parent has been the most amazing journey of my life and this quote rings so true to me. No matter what I thought I would be like as a parent, no matter what I assumed my children would be before they were even a reality, none of that matters. To create life and to nuture our children into adulthood is nothing short of a miracle. It's quotes like these that remind me of why I knowingly lead myself into the sickness of pregnancy and pain of labour. Regardless of how hard these things can be it just doesn't compare to a lifetime of watching your children grow, learn and just be.

Not feeling the best...

I guess it's the fact that I'm sick all day, every day... but I think I also just feel a little sad, which I guess IS linked to the sickness anyway. It seems so ridiculous to feel sad when something so amazing is happening and quite logically it's probably just my hormones having a field day but I feel sad that I'm not the Mummy I need to be right now. I feel sad that I can't play all the time with the boys like I could before. The sickness is stopping me from so much. Them climbing on me makes me feel worse, loud noises make me feel worse, lack of sleep makes me feel worse, dirty nappies make me feel worse, opening the fridge to get food out for them makes me feel worse.

I also feel sad that I'm wishing the days of this pregnancy by. I don't feel like I have the big 'connection' yet with my baby. I do know that I was SO excited to be pregnant and I do remember feeling this way while pregnant with Harry and then feeling so different with this AMAZING connection when I felt better... I just can't see the better at the moment.

I'm praying with everything I have that this sickness is gone before our family holiday in April. I will be devastated if I'm sick and it takes away from how special it is to holiday with my family.

On the homebirth front I really can see how different it is this time. With Sam's pregnancy I talked about having a homebirth but this time I really do crave it. I really want to see how it pans out and how I deal with the pain knowing that I'm in my home where I can have dim lights, a warm birthing pool, music, my family... just everything I think will make it a really calm and beautiful experience. I no longer have any apprehension about birthing at home, I'm not scared for the birth, I'm not looking forward to the pain but even that has settled in my mind at the moment. I guess in a way the sickness has helped me see again how we cope as women. Yes it's made me feel sad and helpless over the past few weeks, but I'm still here and I'm still growing a baby and I will be ok.

What today brings...

Today brings lots of emotions, mainly excitment! I'm in the middle of filling out forms for Myra and in doing so it makes it really real. At the same time I do feel a sense of apprehension... not that I think I'm doing the wrong thing, but because labour is hard work. I'm not looking forward to the pain labour brings... I am looking forward to the process and I invision myself laying in the birthing pool and breathing through the contractions quietly... I invision rosey red cheeks and my eyes closed tightly and all these things make me feel wonderful and motherly but I also remember the intensity of the contractions and how they take you so close to the edge of losing yourself before they back off and I do worry about that... although maybe worry isn't the right word to use.

I knew when I was pregnant with Harry that the right place for me to birth was in hospital. I make no secret of that fact... I was glad, in a sense, to be there and at the end of the day I wouldn't change anything about his birth. It was indeed the magical time I had hoped for.

With Samuel's birth I had thoughts of a homebirth at the beginning but in the end went with another hospital birth. Sam's birth was confusing to me... while it was completely spontaneous and natural I did feel out of control during the process. I do feel that I was let down by my midwife and I think that when I homebirth that it will bring a whole new array of emotions towards Sam's birth.

I do wonder if it will help me heal... or perhaps make me want for something that I can't turn the clock back on??

Where the journey began...

It's easy to pinpoint the start of my journey... it goes back to 2001 when my SIL homebirthed her second child. Did I immediately think that I would homebirth from then though?? Not at all, I mean I think I knew I would eventually, but I really felt that I needed to birth my first in the hospital. There was this overwhelming sense that because I'd never done it before and didn't know what to expect that it would be the best place for me. The fear of the unknown was very strong back then.

My SIL (Greta) had a beautiful homebirth and I was in attendance as a support person to my niece. I can remember being at her house during the early stages and eating McDonalds while she tried to explain away her contractions as not being the real thing. I can remember waking in the early hours of the morning to her being very vocal and me not quite knowing what my place was as my niece was still fast asleep. I can remember it becoming a blur of trying to dry baby clothes that had just been washed, to waiting near the front door for Myra to arrive. I can remembering sitting at the top of the stairs and seeing Myra's face through the glass on the front door and hearing her call out that it's ok to start pushing as she ran up the stairs. I can remember scrambling to get the video and get upstairs into the bathroom in time to video the birth. I can remember Greta saying that she didn't know why she was doing this again. I can remember the babies head crowning and this gorgeous little baby being lifted up out of the water onto her mothers chest. I can remember trying to fight back tears. I can remember Myra telling Greta not to pull the baby up too far as the baby had a short cord. I can remember thinking how much the baby looked like its sister and being positive that it was a boy. I can remember Greta announcing that she had another beautiful little girl. I can remember cutting the cord. I can remember us all in the bedroom just sitting on and around the bed and marvelling at this amazing new being before us. I can remember her being weighed and that we had a giggle at her being another big baby. I can remember calling Kris and him coming over with Poppy and Tanya and how we all just sat together and enjoyed the start of Liana's life. I can remember getting ready to go home to rest and seeing Greta in the bath with Liana supporting her head and letting her float around and how relaxed and peaceful both Greta and Liana looked.

I can remember thinking that I'd like to have this one day.