I guess it's the fact that I'm sick all day, every day... but I think I also just feel a little sad, which I guess IS linked to the sickness anyway. It seems so ridiculous to feel sad when something so amazing is happening and quite logically it's probably just my hormones having a field day but I feel sad that I'm not the Mummy I need to be right now. I feel sad that I can't play all the time with the boys like I could before. The sickness is stopping me from so much. Them climbing on me makes me feel worse, loud noises make me feel worse, lack of sleep makes me feel worse, dirty nappies make me feel worse, opening the fridge to get food out for them makes me feel worse.
I also feel sad that I'm wishing the days of this pregnancy by. I don't feel like I have the big 'connection' yet with my baby. I do know that I was SO excited to be pregnant and I do remember feeling this way while pregnant with Harry and then feeling so different with this AMAZING connection when I felt better... I just can't see the better at the moment.
I'm praying with everything I have that this sickness is gone before our family holiday in April. I will be devastated if I'm sick and it takes away from how special it is to holiday with my family.
On the homebirth front I really can see how different it is this time. With Sam's pregnancy I talked about having a homebirth but this time I really do crave it. I really want to see how it pans out and how I deal with the pain knowing that I'm in my home where I can have dim lights, a warm birthing pool, music, my family... just everything I think will make it a really calm and beautiful experience. I no longer have any apprehension about birthing at home, I'm not scared for the birth, I'm not looking forward to the pain but even that has settled in my mind at the moment. I guess in a way the sickness has helped me see again how we cope as women. Yes it's made me feel sad and helpless over the past few weeks, but I'm still here and I'm still growing a baby and I will be ok.
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